send

There’s an email sitting in my drafts folder. It’s the kind that a normal person would have tapped out in fifteen minutes, but I’ve been re-writing it for days, alternately staring at it in self-deprecating negativity, highlighting and deleting, hammering out strokes of brilliant wording, and waiting. Waiting in that embarrassing, paralyzing, anxiety-ridden place of perfectionism. This email on hold because I have no way of knowing what the response will be, and if I get every single word right, I may just be able to control for every possible mood that the recipient might be in. In free-flow on paper, my struggle sounds just as ridiculous as it is: a feeble human, trying to control another human by her words. (At least the power of words is a real thing). And yet, this struggle for control of my own life is real and has taken me to some of my lowest days. The only release is found in turning to the One who really is in control. And lately, He’s been whispering a lot of “I’ve got this. You can’t mess this up.” I shift uncomfortably when I hear this because it’s scary to pry my hands off the things I think I can control and lift them up while lying back into the soft strength of the hands that made the world. And now there is a strange, soft peace about my creaky office chair, as I lean back and press send.

Connecting, as usual, with Five Minute Friday.

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8 thoughts on “send

  1. Great word picture! So often I catch myself in the same struggle— holding onto perfection and trying to make it all right before I step off and take the risk! Thanks for these encouraging words about taking our hands off and letting Him have control! stopping by from FMF

  2. “…lying back into the soft strength of the hands that made the world.” I love how you phrase that. My word for this year is “rest,” and this fits perfectly the idea of resting in Him. And as you wrestle over the next email–which I can say I have done–may you rest in who God says you are. You are dearly loved.

    • Ah, rest. What a great word…I too am learning a lot about rest these days (which I never really thought of as something I have to learn). Thanks for stopping by and for your kind words reminding me of the Father’s love 🙂

  3. Love your post. I’m also. by nature, someone who feels she has to control everything, but, you know, I’ve been doing a sort of ‘leave it up to Him’ experiment the past few months and I’ve got to tell you: my life has never been so rich and full of love and beauty. Getting over the ‘control freakery’ – if nothing else – frees up time, time you can use to savour life in all it’s beauty.

  4. Thank you for your kind words over on my blog. I could relate to these words here. I over analyze and try to control too. So thankful He is patient and willing to carry us.

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