“There is love for you”. The whisper came tenderly and unexpectedly into middle of a stormy squall of too-tired-at-the-end-of-the-week tears. My logical brain booted in an instant. Yes, of course there is love for me. The love of the Father and Jesus and the Holy Spirit. That love is great and perfect and I will experience that love in all its fullness for all of eternity. Ah yes, how I long for that day!

But the whisper persisted “There is love for you now”.  Now? The tears slide swiftly and silently as I am stuck between a sigh of relief and a sob.

I have given up looking for love. At least for that emotional, makes-you-feel-safe-and-secure kind of love.

That kind of thing I saw in movies as a child and thought it may exist for real somewhere. That kind of thing I thought I observed in my friends and their parents. That thing that I tasted once – like a sugar granule that conjures up imaginings of cake.  And as I grew older it was that thing that caused a boy to see my roommate across campus and pursue her like she was the only person in the world. Or that thing that put a smile on my labmate’s face and a spring in his step as he found purpose to his days.  It was the thing that transformed a woman into a mother by the growing of a child next to her heart, and it was what turned a man and woman born selfish into those willing to lay down their lives for their children.

No, these things are not for me. I sealed off my heart to ever feeling those feelings. Before, I believed that of course God would bless me with a wonderful husband and family of my own. But no longer. Now I unconsciously have decided that he has excluded me from that entire realm. It is considered a strength to be unemotional, impervious to pain, and steadfast in the face of challenges. So I forge ahead alone. As one, single, solitary person.

My mantra has been “I am strong” because I don’t believe my mantra can ever be “I am loved.”

Until that stormy Friday night when a still, small voice tells me that there IS love for me.  I am not excluded, I am adopted and delighted in, not for what I can do for my Father, but for who I am, for who He made me to be. That love is perfect love, and no matter where I search, no matter what I find – even the highest heights of all the love I have ever imagined – nothing can compare with that love. And it is here now, a vast treasure waiting to be found.


14 thoughts on “find

  1. Love, love, love this! I am blessed to have followed you at FMF this week! Especially this: “That love is perfect love, and no matter where I search, no matter what I find – even the highest heights of all the love I have ever imagined – nothing can compare with that love.” Amen. Your words are precious, and blessed. Touched my heart deeply. May God continue to bless you with that perfect love! Keep writing and sharing that love with your readers.

  2. This is beautiful! I’m a single woman who deeply yearns to be a wife and momma. But your words remind me of how Gods love really is the perfect love. Thanks for this post. I’m parked over in the #16 spot this week!

    • Tara, so great to meet another single woman through FMF! It’s wonderful to find others to share the joys and pain of our journeys with. Can’t wait to check out your blog. Thanks for stopping by!

  3. You write beautifully…and please, don’t despair, for sometimes love – temporal love – will find you when you least expect it.

    It may be rough around the edges. My wife, in her late 30s when we met – certainly didn’t expect a college professor whose background was that of a hired gun in the paramilitary contracting arena.

    But I’d like to think that it was worth it – that she found a loyalty unto death that really MEANS loyalty unto death, because Death was ever at my elbow.

    You’ll have to ask her.

    But in the meantime…I think you are a prize, and the heart you show in your writing will illuminate the life of another.

    I’m #9 on FMF this week.

    • Andrew, thanks for your thoughtful and kind comment. As more of my friends get married I realize how imperfect and difficult marriage really is. It’s not that idealized fairy tale we picture as a child. But I find myself longing even for the difficult because it would make me feel, really feel human. But I have to remind myself that humanity is not defined by another human; but by the God whose image we reflect. Thanks for stopping by…look forward to checking out your post too 🙂

  4. For someone struggling to believe she can be loved because of her past mistakes – this touched me deeply! Thanks so much for sharing this!

    • Ah, Sara – yes, I am so often there myself. Unconditional love is hard to accept, but I’m thankful that even when it doesn’t feel like it, God’s truth stands. Thanks for stopping by! 🙂

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