“There is love for you”. The whisper came tenderly and unexpectedly into middle of a stormy squall of too-tired-at-the-end-of-the-week tears. My logical brain booted in an instant. Yes, of course there is love for me. The love of the Father and Jesus and the Holy Spirit. That love is great and perfect and I will experience that love in all its fullness for all of eternity. Ah yes, how I long for that day!
But the whisper persisted “There is love for you now”. Now? The tears slide swiftly and silently as I am stuck between a sigh of relief and a sob.
I have given up looking for love. At least for that emotional, makes-you-feel-safe-and-secure kind of love.
That kind of thing I saw in movies as a child and thought it may exist for real somewhere. That kind of thing I thought I observed in my friends and their parents. That thing that I tasted once – like a sugar granule that conjures up imaginings of cake. And as I grew older it was that thing that caused a boy to see my roommate across campus and pursue her like she was the only person in the world. Or that thing that put a smile on my labmate’s face and a spring in his step as he found purpose to his days. It was the thing that transformed a woman into a mother by the growing of a child next to her heart, and it was what turned a man and woman born selfish into those willing to lay down their lives for their children.
No, these things are not for me. I sealed off my heart to ever feeling those feelings. Before, I believed that of course God would bless me with a wonderful husband and family of my own. But no longer. Now I unconsciously have decided that he has excluded me from that entire realm. It is considered a strength to be unemotional, impervious to pain, and steadfast in the face of challenges. So I forge ahead alone. As one, single, solitary person.
My mantra has been “I am strong” because I don’t believe my mantra can ever be “I am loved.”
Until that stormy Friday night when a still, small voice tells me that there IS love for me. I am not excluded, I am adopted and delighted in, not for what I can do for my Father, but for who I am, for who He made me to be. That love is perfect love, and no matter where I search, no matter what I find – even the highest heights of all the love I have ever imagined – nothing can compare with that love. And it is here now, a vast treasure waiting to be found.