green

Green is the color of envy.

I gaze green at a friend who is beautiful and gifted and who God is using in amazing ways without them even trying. And I blush green because I want those gifts and I don’t quite understand the ones God has given me.  I forget to be thankful that I was fearfully and wonderfully made.

I choke green as I scroll through news of idyllic engagements and marriages and babies, constantly bombarded by the life I thought I would have and that I cannot make for myself.  I sigh green at the relational gifts God has given, my empty arms wondering how many weeks it’s been since my last hug, or true “how are you?”.  I forget that any relationship, even the non-Christian at work whom I get along with, is a gift.

I seethe green at the thought of my fellow PhD students who are advancing and supported and guided, while I work for a brand new professor who seems to rub us all to a blister.  I forget to be thankful for the opportunities to do work that so perfectly interlocks with my personality.

Sometimes I’m afraid to lift my head and look around for fear of drowning in the green pool of unfulfilled longings all around me. I search for my crumb of thanks, while remembering the taste of pastries once eaten and imagining the delicacies of cake I’ve never tasted.

And I remember that the Father is close to the brokenhearted. He cares for the hungry. Pastries and cakes will never truly satisfy; but even a crumb eaten from the hand of a caring Father satiates the soul.

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6 thoughts on “green

  1. Absolutely love the way you expressed these emotions. So transparent. I often am GREEN with envy as well. Never quite really appreciating and praising God for the beautiful blessings He has provided to me and the beautiful person I am because of being made in HIS image. I get it….

  2. Ah, it’s so easy to turn green with envy, isn’t it? What I have discovered is that those people I envy? Well, they’re people with problems, too. It’s good that you can be transparent and authentic–so many people spend their entire lives trying to hide and make themselves ‘green worthy’. Better to be real and let others see the real you!

  3. Ah, the green monster that is envy. I have been there and your words remind me of me, with all the unfulfilled longings and dreams. But God was there the whole way, preparing me for the right time to make the longing come true. But I love how honest you are with your feelings. Because that is what this community is about– supporting each other and supporting who we really are.

  4. Sometimes it’s a curse – this reading posts in two ways… reading the message and reading the vehicle. I love metaphor, so truly your vehicle stood out to me today. Especially in combination with those vivid verbs “I gaze green…I choke green…I seethe green…” I have to admit, there are many times when I ‘read green’ in the posts of others. But I refuse to write ‘blue’ in mine, so there. I believe that the Father is close, and upholding, and loving — and thankfully, forgiving of our green thoughts. So now, I choose to think of green as growth, as maturity, as positive change, as encouragement. Your writing is wonderful and I am glad I stopped by today.

  5. there is such beautiful, terrible, wonderful, and precious honesty here. there is such conviction in that honesty, for no matter what we have, that monster threatens to consume us… and your transparent ache connects us in ways our circumstances, from the outside, couldn’t. thank you, thank you, for the outpouring of real.

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