Prelims are officially OVER! It’s been six long months of slogging through a mental wilderness trying to make sense of research outside my field; wondering if I’ll ever be enough; begging for supernatural strength to make it through. Three months staring straight at the goal and trying not to let my heart skip a beat or my eye rest too long on the most immaculate neon leaves, the distractions of friendships or the rhythms of the week. All around the edges I could feel anticipation growing for the day when my time was my own. I vowed to exercise more regularly and put effort into relationships because work, when it’s all you have, is eternally hollow. And now it is over. The exam is past, and passed, and gone. And I’m weary. It’s a weariness that transcends the adrenaline-letdown and that can’t be alleviated by sleeping away half of the days’ hours (as I’ve done). It’s a soul weariness, pure and simple fatigue of chasing after the wind. The spiritual weariness of knowing that my calling will continue to require my all, and I will forever be begging on my knees. Thankfully, I have somewhere to go. Jesus says “Come to me, you who are weary and burdened, and you will find rest…rest for your soul”. This week, my goal is to live each day returning to that love and rest.
The morning of my exam I was photographing the dandelions in my yard. This one struck me deeply, and I sensed the Father saying, “When you are weary and barely hanging on, don’t give up and fall to the ground – cling tightly and wait for the breeze to carry you upward”